It’s World Mental Health Day and Here’s My Story

If interested, give a read. If not, please know that I wish all peace, love, and positivity upon you all:

Let’s talk about mental health cause well, real wealth is not related to a dollar or a buck. Years ago, it was taboo…but today I don’t give a f*ck. Cause luck ran out the door years ago, depression settled in, yeah I’ve struggled with my mental health… just like you – I’m human.

Woah, did he just say that? Yes I did.

For years I’ve struggled with it. Depression sunk behind my smile, “Man hide that shit,” but all the while…anxiety snuck behind the calmest guy & OCD hid behind his lazy eyes. Wise, but stupid all at once, I talked to no one, but no one once knew what I was going through, it sucked.

I’m a chameleon, consciously blending into camouflage in order NOT to stand out…call it my defense mechanism. And me being an introvert, I avert all attention, I assert I am fine, no worries brother, I’m all good. The body is fine & under the hood, my engine’s running like a fine car should. Yeah my brain is firing at the speed of light, millions of thoughts – I can’t help this right?

Nope, sorry, it’s the just the way your brain works. I’m hurting myself over here. What works? My mind is all over the place, I race to find solutions to issues not yet raised. I think before the chess piece moves, I think long after you’ve made your move, I think hard before the before & after, but to you all my moves look smooth.

Does everyone’s mind work like mine? Analyzing details like Sherlock to crime? Fine, don’t answer, f*ck you too, f*ck your job and suck your food – through a straw, mother*cker…oh brother, calm your shit dude.

“Damn Brian, take a chill pill.”

What you say?

“Dude what’s your deal?”

I’ll tell you what – you did this because this, and I said this because that, and then that happened and this after, and it pissed me off that you listened and believed this…*deep breathe in*

As a matter of fact, that’s my deal. I’ll be straight up honest, real. My mind goes to dark places, I see light but when my mind races, it’s game over, answers’ on my face, I shut down. Don’t know why, but I do with no sound. No sound, silence, for hours on end. My tortured mind’s had enough, no more metal to bend. Send the messenger to waive the white flag, it’s over…

Depending on whether you’re bored or want to keep reading…either stop now or stay & continue for this next lead-in. See, cause me, I also struggled with OCD as a teen.

When I tell you it’s Hell, I came an inch – but was Saved by the Bell – from selling my soul to get rid of my demons that said to do this or do that, if you don’t – your whole house will be screaming. It happens, they yell cause I rebelled, a rebel. And it happens just as they say, ends with a loud bang in my attic, in fear I drop & start praying. Please God help me out of these chains, these voices & thoughts, frame it out of my brain. Don’t need to hear ‘em, tired of spending minute upon hour, turning my bed into  towers – of perfectly placed pillows, or sizable door creases, or “just rightly” tied shoelaces, to other stupid superstitions.

Man, thinking back, sure it was Hell. But Grace saved me, prayer graced me, released me from my shackled self, lead me out of my prison cell, bailed me out of it as well, exonerated me too, expelling all the demons that once wrapped me in a shell of what I was, was unrecognizable to myself, now recognizable to the world.

Sure, I was in Hell, but it’s grace that saved me. Sure, it was the worst times of my life, but if I had a choice I’d repeat. Sure, I was tortured, bruised, and battered, but I conquered, learned, and shattered – all my doubts in the process, and expectations of all my mental projects. Now moving forward with upward progress, my life, my mind, my body – is free.

Hey all, I struggled with my own mental health. It sucks, but I assure you, you’re never alone. I wanted this blog to be brutally honest, straight up, real sh*t. I have in the past struggled with bouts of depression, and extreme OCD. I have had times where I’ve gotten physically sick due to my mental state, I’ve had times I could do nothing but scream out in angst, I’ve sat in bed crying at night because I felt so frustrated to live.

I may not understand what you are going through, but if you ever need someone to be real with, I want you to know that you are totally worth my time. If you don’t want to talk, no worries, but just know that there are people who care a lot about you. I left a lot out of this blog, but I credit who I am today to those people. I love you all, and please please remember…there is always one person in the world thinking of you. Today, it’s me.

If you need support right now, call the National Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.